It’s intriguing to watch the Conservative party treating next month’s local elections in England like a movie in which it has a secret cameo. Please don’t spoil the surprise for the fans! But yes – it turns out it is actually in this film. Who knew? For all of Labour’s many upsets since it came to power, it doesn’t feel as though a single one has been skilfully turned in the Tories’ favour. Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch is very, very bad – so bad that you can’t even be bothered to come up with anything other than a will-this-do nickname for her. Kemi Very Badenoch.
More often than not since KVB beat Robert Jenrick in the leadership equivalent of Argentina v West Germany, she has seemed to be running the party like a performance art project you really wouldn’t want to see. Sorry – that’s obviously a tautology. We can just say “like a performance art project”. For almost six months now, Badenoch has made a huge deal of the fact that she quite deliberately doesn’t have any policies, instead repeatedly promising the “biggest policy renewal programme in 50 years”. Given what minuscule amount has actually emerged, I’m afraid my ears can now only rearrange that declaration into “I will come up with some polices in about 50 years”.
Instead of policies, Badenoch has bandwagons, whose drivers regard her as an unwanted ride-hitcher. She’s sort of hiding in the bike rack of the bandwagon, or possibly beneath the bandwagon, clinging on to its chassis. Eventually, her presence becomes detected, and those pushing for new or different grooming gang inquiries note she’s suddenly noisily on board. Which is odd, considering that Rishi Sunak’s government could only be arsed to implement only a very few of the last inquiry’s recommendations – and that the role of women and equalities minister in that government was held by one Kemi Badenoch.
But leaving aside her policy (singular?) for a while, this week Very Badenoch could be found on the airwaves declaring that the Tories were open to making deals with Reform UK on local councils. “I have categorically said that I’m not doing deals with Reform,” she said, going on to effectively list several examples of ways the Tories could do deals with Reform at local level. What has brought on this logical collapse? According to Kemi: “When someone says they want to destroy you, you don’t invite them into your house and ask to do a deal.” But also you sometimes do, because: “You don’t get to have a rerun of an election at a local level.” Do you get to have reruns of elections at a national level? If not, what is she on about? AGAIN?
This is a rhetorical inquiry that appeared to be shared by Nigel Farage, who lost no time in playing a similar hand rather better. Farage won’t do a deal, until he will, but unlike Badenoch he did remember that what you’re supposed to do when asked these types of questions is explain why the other lot would be an absolutely terrible choice to vote for.
But look, Badenoch has other idiosyncratic ways of rallying her troops, launching her party’s local elections campaign on Thursday by explaining to members that if you map the 2024 general election results on to the local council seats being contested, “we lose almost every single one”. Thanks for dialling in, Braveheart. Thus far, the sole point Kemi seems to have taken in the campaign is down to BBC Breakfast’s ludicrous decision to try to shame her for not having watched Adolescence – a crime that is fast becoming on a par with not having cried in the street when Princess Di died. That said, back in real life, we can scientifically estimate that her Adolescence retort is worth about a 0.0001% swing in Broxtowe.
Alas, away from her safe space – minor culture-war skirmishes and posting on X – Badenoch tends to come off as incredibly poorly prepared, given to relying on a set of about four assumptions in the absence of that preparation, and consequently can only be regarded as terminally out of her depth.
This may well be the conclusion of various donors, with a Times story on Thursday ascribing a drop in donations to the Conservatives to concerns over her leadership. It certainly features some eye-catching quotes from big donors. “It’s a bit like a new Tesla,” decided one. “Do you really want to put your money in it until you see if it’s actually going to get to the end of the road?” Tesla! If there’s one stock that the Tory leader would prefer not to be equated with right now, our anonymous friend may well have alighted upon it. Even so, that flight of fancy was a lot more appealing than another big Tory donor, who confirmed the withholding of funds from the Badenoch-led iteration of the party by explaining affectlessly: “My lot are waiting for evidence that their money will actually buy influence.” I suppose it’s quite bracing to hear people talking openly about the purchase of political influence, even if they won’t put their name to it (yet).
All of which suggests we might as well brace for another summer of Conservative attempts to blood-let. As the grasshopper rubs its legs, so the Tory party sharpens its axe. Really, very little is starting to suggest the onset of long balmy days like the unmistakable desire to throw open the windows, and then to throw a leader out of one.
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